Anyone who has an interest in the golden age of Vaudeville, radio and television knows about Abbott and Costello’s famous Who’s On First sketch. When the duo first teamed up in 1937, they began working on burlesque style skits, which they ultimately honed to perfection.
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The Who’s on First sketch was originally titled “Who’s the Boss” and was a big hit when the duo performed it with a Vaudeville show called “Hollywood Bandwagon” in late ’37
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FDR & Who’s On First
The Who’s on First sketch became so popular that president Franklin D Roosevelt asked Abbott & Costello to perform it at his birthday party in 1943. They accepted!
Who’s on First? The Skit in Full
Before we begin, please note that Abbott and Costello changed the exact working of this sketch many times over the years. The words below may not exactly match a version you have heard but it should be pretty close!
Who’s On First – Here We Go!!!
Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yankee’s manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players
Abbott: I certainly do
Costello: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names…like Dizzy Dean…
Costello: His brother Daffy
Abbott: Daffy Dean
Costello: And their French cousin
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofé
Abbott: Goofé Dean. Well, let’s see, we have on the bags, Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third…
Costello: That’s what I want to find out
Abbott: I say Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third
Abbott: He’s on third, we’re not talking about him
Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott: Why you mentioned his name
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say is playing third?
Abbott: No. Who’s playing first
Costello: What’s on first?
Abbott: What’s on second
Costello: I don’t know
Abbott: He’s on third
Costello: There I go, back on third again!
Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don’t go off it
Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who’s playing third base?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: What am I putting on third
Abbott: No. What is on second
Costello: You don’t want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first
Costello: I don’t know
Abbott & Costello Together:Third base!
Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?
Abbott: Sure
Costello: The left fielder’s name?
Abbott: Why
Costello: I just thought I’d ask you
Abbott: Well, I just thought I’d tell ya
Costello: Then tell me who’s playing left field
Abbott: Who’s playing first
Costello: I’m not… stay out of the infield! I want to know what’s the guy’s name in left field?
Abbott: No, What is on second
Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second
Abbott: Who’s on first!
Costello: I don’t know
Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
Costello: The left fielder’s name?
Abbott: Why
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he’s centerfield
Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Sure
Costello: The pitcher’s name?
Abbott: Tomorrow
Costello: You don’t want to tell me today?
Abbott: I’m telling you now
Costello: Then go ahead
Abbott: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who’s pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching
Costello: I’ll break your arm, you say who’s on first! I want to know what’s the pitcher’s name?
Abbott: What’s on second
Costello: I don’t know
Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
Costello: Gotta a catcher?
Abbott: Certainly
Costello: The catcher’s name?
Abbott: Today
Costello: Today, and tomorrow’s pitching
Abbott: Now you’ve got it
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team
Costello: You know I’m a catcher too
Abbott: So they tell me
Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow’s pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I’m gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right
Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
Abbott: That’s all you have to do
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who’s got it?
Abbott: Naturally
Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s gotta get it. Now who has it?
Abbott: Naturally
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don’t Know. I Don’t Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don’t know! He’s on third and I don’t give a darn!
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